Signs Your Therapist Might be SUS
I hate admitting it, but not every therapist is a good therapist. How can you tell if your therapist isn’t good at their job?
POV: You’re sitting on a colorful couch across from someone you found online. You’re in their office, which has some plants, their degrees hanging on the walls above a desk, and a cozy armchair that they’re sitting in. They’re holding a notebook, you’re holding a tissue. You just finished telling them a really difficult story about something emotional that happened a few days ago. With tears in your eyes, you look up to see how they’re going to respond to your tears.
My hope is that the therapist is looking at you, leaning forward with interest, maybe nodding slowly, with a look on their face that lets you know they’re listening.
What you don’t want in this situation is a therapist to be looking at their phone, looking out the window, writing down what you say word-for-word, looking bored with glazed-over eyes, or worse - they ask, “Wait, what were you saying?”
I’ve been there. The first therapist I saw in college was chosen by my mom, who I’m sure did her best to find someone that could help me with my disordered eating. Unfortunately, it was a horrible fit. The therapist read me the diagnostic criteria for three or four different disorders from the DSM-IV during our first session, asking me what she should diagnose me with. It felt like I was a subject of a graduate school case study even though this practitioner was seasoned and experienced (at least, that’s what she told my mom).
I felt misunderstood, judged, and didn’t get much out of our sessions. Worst of all, it felt like my mom was the client - like the therapist was treating me based on what my mom had told her and what my mom thought I needed to work on. The therapist didn’t seem to listen to what I was saying and had a preconceived notion of what I needed to work on without considering my side of the story.
Since then, I’ve gone through a journey of failed attempts to find the right match - one who didn’t show up for my first appointment, one who talked about themselves too much, one who couldn’t tell me anything beyond basic self-care coping strategies, and one who barely said anything at all (it was awkward AF!).
If you’ve had experiences like this before, please be reassured that feeling judged, hurt, misunderstood, threatened, or taken advantage of by a therapist is NOT okay.
Not every therapist is a good therapist. I dislike saying this, but it is true. Not everyone who is interested in helping others is able to uphold the ethics of the field and put their clients ahead of themselves.
Even a good therapist might not be a good therapist FOR YOU. Just like students have various learning styles and teachers have different teaching styles, therapists and clients don’t always align in their preferred therapy style. Everyone is different!
So how can you tell the difference between a therapist who isn’t the best at their job and a therapist who just isn’t the best fit for you? Here are the telltale signs your therapist might be suspicious:
They don’t have credentials - A therapist should have their credentials prominently displayed somewhere (website, directory page, email signature, hanging on the wall of their office, etc.) and if they’re pre-licensed they should be working under a fully-licensed practitioner. Look for the letters - LCPC, LPC, LMFT, MFT, LCSW, LSW, Psy.D, and Ph.D are common in Illinois. If they don’t have a license to practice, they’re not reputable.
They talk about themselves A LOT - Therapists might utilize appropriate self-disclosure to develop rapport, demonstrate empathy, or acknowledge biases, but they shouldn’t be comparing themselves to you or telling lengthy stories about their experiences.
They’re on their phone during sessions - This is obviously inappropriate. There might be exceptions for emergency phone calls, but texting is just rude.
They don’t remember important information - They may not be able to recall the name of your last Hinge date, but they should remember what you talked about in last week’s session.
They write EVERYTHING down - I write notes during sessions so I can remember names/events, notice patterns, and keep track of what we talk about, but a clinician who writes everything down isn’t present in the moment, can’t appropriately process or respond to what you’re saying, and isn’t interacting with your emotions.
They don’t respond to messages - Therapists should have professional boundaries with communication, but part of professionalism is responding to messages within 24-72 business hours.
They can’t sit in silence - If they aren’t saying anything, this might be a purposeful intervention. Sitting in silence is a skill, and a therapist who feels uncomfortable in silence might rush to move on from an important topic just to ease their own discomfort.
They tell you what to do - Therapists should not give direct advice. We can provide suggestions and help you explore your options to make your own choices, but ethically we cannot tell you what to do or not do.
They use microaggressions - We are ethically responsible for recognizing our biases and developing cultural humility and competency. As a client, you should not have to frequently call out your therapist for using insensitive language or disparaging comments. Not cool.
They make sexual comments or advances - Your therapist should not be asking about details of your sex life that don’t directly relate to the therapeutic discussion. Sexual advances or propositions are RED FLAGS. GTFO (and report them).
They’re frequently late to sessions - While sometimes they might be held up in a session with another client in crisis, your therapist should not be frequently late for your sessions. Give them a few minutes to use the restroom between sessions, but 5+ minutes is pushing it.
They tell you details about other clients - Your therapist might mention that they have other clients who are similar to you to normalize your experience, but they should not be providing details or telling stories about other clients. HIPAA exists for a reason.
They put you into a box - Your therapist should not treat you like every other client, because you are not the same as every other client. They should be open to listening to your unique experiences and developing a specialized treatment plan to match your goals.
Don’t get me wrong, therapy can be difficult and uncomfortable. It’s meant to be a safe place to express vulnerable emotions and process difficult experiences. You will not leave every therapy session feeling like a million bucks. You may feel uncomfortable, but slight discomfort is a necessary part of the healing process. Intense, frequent discomfort is not. If you experience any of these suspicious encounters, it might be time to look for a new therapist to help you on your mental health journey.