4 Bad Emotions That Aren’t Actually Bad

Emotions aren’t “good” or “bad,” but it’s hard to believe that all emotions serve a purpose when some of them feel so uncomfortable. Here are 4 emotions we deem “bad” that actually serve a purpose.

Emotions are complicated. And confusing. Some are pleasant, and some are deeply uncomfortable. In our Westernized society, we tend to label emotions as “good” or “bad,” even considering emotions “acceptable” or “unacceptable.”

Most unpleasant emotions are considered to be unacceptable in our Westernized society. A lot of people consider anger, guilt, grief, doubt, and anxiety to be “wrong” to feel, let alone express, so we try to prevent them at all costs or ignore them when they happen. This makes these unpleasant emotions unfamiliar and unsafe, which makes them feel more intense when we can’t ignore them anymore. We get these types of messages all the time:

• “It’s not worth getting mad over.”

• “Don’t be so sensitive.”

• “There’s nothing to be anxious about.”

• “Don’t be sad it’s over, be happy it happened!” 

• “There’s nothing to be scared about”

Sound familiar?

Well, here’s the ugly truth - there are no bad emotions. Even if they feel bad, the emotions themselves are not bad or good, wrong or right. Every emotion serves a purpose, or at least has an intended purpose. Usually, when we’re experiencing one of these uncomfortable emotions, we can really see the purpose of why we’re feeling so miserable because we’re focused on getting rid of the discomfort.

I like to consider each emotion to be on a scale, and every emotion has what I call a window of helpfulness. Just like there can be too much of a good thing, there can be not enough of a bad thing. I’ve picked four examples of unpleasant emotions to lay out the window of helpfulness for each to help you understand why you might be experiencing the discomfort, and why it might be valid.

Guilt

Guilt is an indicator of our values. This is the uncomfortable emotion we feel when we believe we have done something wrong. The right vs. wrong perception is subjective based on our individual values - upholding our values is “right” and acting against our values is “wrong.” The discomfort of guilt serves the purpose of dissuading us from acting against our values or engaging in behaviors that are dangerous to survival. Guilt is a reminder that we have a conscience guiding us, and we might not have listened to it (sorry, Jiminy Cricket, none of us are perfect). 

For example, you might feel guilty if you forget your friend’s birthday. This guilt serves as a reminder that you value your friendship, and wishing them happy birthday would have demonstrated that. Feeling guilty also serves as motivation to wish them “Happy Belated!” and makes you more likely to remember next year!

Fear

Fear is not weakness. Fear is what keeps us alive. Fear is natural, fear is necessary. Without fear, humans would not survive all of the dangers we face on this planet. Fear makes sure that we pay attention to potential dangers to keep ourselves safe. This applies to anxiety, too. Feeling afraid or anxious can quickly be seen as a bad thing - an inconvenient, uncomfortable state that hinders us from living our lives. Let’s not forget that fear has a window of helpfulness as long as it is based in reality. A bit of fear keeps us from getting too close to the edge of the cliff while we take a picture of the scenic view. A bit of fear about a car speeding down the street keeps us from crossing the street until we see the car come to a complete stop - even if the crosswalk light changes in our favor - just in case the car speeds through the red light. A bit of fear serves a purpose.

Anger

Anger tends to be a secondary emotion. You read that right. Even if all we feel in the moment is anger, it still tends to be secondary to another underlying emotion. This is because the purpose of anger is to be protective. Just like fear tries to keep us alive, anger tries to keep us safe. Anger is the emotion that helps us be assertive and advocate for ourselves or those around us. Anger serves the purpose of motivating us to stand up for our values and go against injustices. Underneath anger is usually fear, pain, or vulnerability that we are trying to protect. Next time you feel angry, ask yourself - “What am I protecting with my anger?”

Grief

Grief is a form of sadness that we experience with loss. This might be a tangible or intangible loss. We might lose a loved one to cancer, which is a tangible loss of a person we cared deeply about. During the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic, a lot of us experienced the loss of loved ones, but we all experienced the intangible loss of opportunities - places we wanted to go, people we wanted to see, activities we wanted to do. These are all valid losses, and grief is a natural emotion to experience because of loss. Grief might seem solely uncomfortable, but it also has a window of helpfulness. Like guilt, grief serves the purpose of helping us recognize our values and what is important in our lives. When we lose something or someone, the grief we feel indicates the level of importance we place in that person or thing. The grief from the loss of a job lets us know how important our career must be, or how much we value interactions with our coworkers as like-minded individuals. Grief helps us pay attention to the things that matter in our lives. While it sometimes takes a loss to put things into perspective, grief helps us refocus our attention on our values and recognize what we think is important. It’s a tough lesson, and it can be a highly painful experience, but grief serves a purpose. 

While these emotions are challenging, they are all valid and a natural part of our human existence. It is completely normal to feel these emotions, and it is completely valid to find them difficult to manage. Luckily, you’re not alone. While a lot of cultures reject the expression of these emotions, I can guarantee you that every other human on this planet feels them. You are not alone, and allowing yourself to feel these emotions is the best way to address them so the discomfort is minimized. 

Need to talk? Check out my blog post for how to find a therapist to talk through these challenging emotions with a licensed expert. Ready to talk to me? Get in touch today to start processing these (perfectly normal) emotions!